If Juno Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest...
FADE IN: EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film. She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON. ELLEN PAGE I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour. RAINN WILSON Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving? ELLEN PAGE That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout. RAINN WILSON I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock? ELLEN PAGE Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight. RAINN WILSON Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent. ELLEN PAGE You're so quirky! And so am I! ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS. ELLEN PAGE This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares. ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY. ELLEN PAGE Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real. OLIVIA THIRLBY OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs? ELLEN PAGE Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something? OLIVIA THIRLBY YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion. ELLEN PAGE Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky. They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room set in front of MICHAEL CERA'S HOME. MICHAEL CERA Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you. ELLEN PAGE Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky. MICHAEL CERA So what are you doing here? Do you need someth- ELLEN PAGE Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie. ELLEN PAGE (V.O.) Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords." ELLEN PAGE Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours. MICHAEL CERA Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing. ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you? ELLEN PAGE Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up. (shakes phone) Alright, there we go. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak- ELLEN PAGE Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky. ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ELLEN PAGE Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger! CLINIC RECEPTIONIST I know, right!? ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend OLIVIA. OLIVIA THIRLBY WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod? ELLEN PAGE I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple. ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother. ELLEN PAGE So, I'm pregnant. J.K. SIMMONS WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU- ELLEN PAGE Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember? J.K. SIMMONS Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark. ALLISON JANNEY And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb. ELLEN PAGE It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development. J.K. SIMMONS Huh. I didn't think he had it in him. ELLEN PAGE What, sperm? ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays out with fewer jokes and more pretentiousness. ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them. JENNIFER GARNER We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra. JASON BATEMAN So who is the father of the little bastard? ELLEN PAGE Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera. JASON BATEMAN No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans. That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to JENNIFER and JASON. TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant people are obligated to include. She visits JASON BATEMAN. JASON BATEMAN Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together? ELLEN PAGE That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet. (pause) Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy. JASON BATEMAN Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner. ELLEN PAGE Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me? JASON BATEMAN No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good? ELLEN PAGE Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well. JASON BATEMAN How artistic! ELLEN PAGE You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars! LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE MUSIC plays. JENNIFER GARNER Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane. ELLEN PAGE And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence! MICHAEL CERA So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development? ELLEN PAGE Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together. They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie so that they don't feel STUPID. END http://www.cracked.com/article_16161_if-juno-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html :lol:
FADE IN: EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film. She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON. ELLEN PAGE I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour. RAINN WILSON Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving? ELLEN PAGE That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout. RAINN WILSON I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock? ELLEN PAGE Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight. RAINN WILSON Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent. ELLEN PAGE You're so quirky! And so am I! ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS. ELLEN PAGE This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares. ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY. ELLEN PAGE Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real. OLIVIA THIRLBY OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs? ELLEN PAGE Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something? OLIVIA THIRLBY YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion. ELLEN PAGE Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky. They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room set in front of MICHAEL CERA'S HOME. MICHAEL CERA Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you. ELLEN PAGE Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky. MICHAEL CERA So what are you doing here? Do you need someth- ELLEN PAGE Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie. ELLEN PAGE (V.O.) Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords." ELLEN PAGE Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours. MICHAEL CERA Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing. ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you? ELLEN PAGE Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up. (shakes phone) Alright, there we go. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak- ELLEN PAGE Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky. ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie. CLINIC RECEPTIONIST Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ELLEN PAGE Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger! CLINIC RECEPTIONIST I know, right!? ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend OLIVIA. OLIVIA THIRLBY WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod? ELLEN PAGE I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple. ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother. ELLEN PAGE So, I'm pregnant. J.K. SIMMONS WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU- ELLEN PAGE Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember? J.K. SIMMONS Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark. ALLISON JANNEY And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb. ELLEN PAGE It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development. J.K. SIMMONS Huh. I didn't think he had it in him. ELLEN PAGE What, sperm? ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays out with fewer jokes and more pretentiousness. ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them. JENNIFER GARNER We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra. JASON BATEMAN So who is the father of the little bastard? ELLEN PAGE Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera. JASON BATEMAN No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans. That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to JENNIFER and JASON. TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant people are obligated to include. She visits JASON BATEMAN. JASON BATEMAN Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together? ELLEN PAGE That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet. (pause) Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy. JASON BATEMAN Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner. ELLEN PAGE Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me? JASON BATEMAN No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good? ELLEN PAGE Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well. JASON BATEMAN How artistic! ELLEN PAGE You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars! LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE MUSIC plays. JENNIFER GARNER Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane. ELLEN PAGE And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence! MICHAEL CERA So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development? ELLEN PAGE Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together. They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie so that they don't feel STUPID. END http://www.cracked.com/article_16161_if-juno-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html :lol: